My Mom sends out stupid jokes all of the time, here you go (be afraid):
Astronaut: Wanna fly?
Copilot: Sure
Astronaut: Wait a second--I'll catch one for you.
What do you call a spaceman who is invisible?
An Astronaught
What do you call a crazy spaceman?
An astronut.
Two astronauts were in a space craft circling thousands of miles above the earth. According to plan, on astronaut was to leave the ship and go on a 15 minute space walk. The other was to remain inside.
After completing his walk, the first astronaut tried to get back inside, but the door was locked. He knocked. There was no answer. He knocked louder. Still no answer. He pounded with all his might.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, a voice from inside the space craft spoke up. "Who's there?'
A dog goes into an internet cafe and says, "I'd like to send an email". The waiter is stunned, but collects his wits, sits down at a computer, and prepares to take dictation. The dog clear his throat and says, "Bow wow bow wow bow wow, bow wow bow wow."
The waiter finishes typing, but checks his watch before clicking Send. "You know," he says, "there's a minimum charge for time and you haven't quite used yours up. There's still time to throw another couple bow-wows in there."
"O--kay," the dog says slowly. "But... well, wouldn't that sound a little bit ridiculous?"
I love that joke. Many of my friends believe that this fact says a great deal about my factory-presets.
A magician, nearing the end of his show, called for a volunteer from the audience for his next trick. A young man volunteers, and the magician motions him up to the stage. The magician then says "Sir, I am going to lay my head down on this table. I then want you to take this sledge hammer, and hit me in the head as hard as you can!"
The young man said "A...are you sure?", to which the magician replied "Yes! Absolutely! Don't worry, this is magic!"
So, the magician laid his head down on the table, the young man lifted the sledge hammer up and struck...
Ten years later, the magician wakes up from the coma and immediately said "TA-DA!!!!"
__________________
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Godliness is next to impossible.
Therefore, cleanliness is next to impossible.
One spring a couple goes hiking through the nature preserve. Everywhere they look they see animals and their young: robins with the hatchlings, bears with their cubs, deer with fawns... but then, next to the path, just two adult snakes.
"What's up?" they say to the snakes. "No youngsters for you?"
"We are adders," the snakes reply. "We can't multiply."
The next year the couple goes back for another springtime visit. The park is in good shape; the roads have been repaired, signs are freshly painted, and some rough-hewn picnic tables have been placed here and there. Again they see many animals with their young, and this time they see the snakes, curled up on one of the picnic tables, with a whole brood of snakelings.
Rene Descartes goes into a bar. He sits there drinking for a while with his friends. It gets to be closing time and the barkeep says,
"Last call! Want one more for the road?"
Rene Descartes gets up, shakes his head reluctantly, and says, "I think not."
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night.
When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.
"Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork.
__________________
"Reason is the enemy of faith ..."
- Martin Luther
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to expain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
President Bush's approval rating walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hold on, buddy! You're gonna have to leave. We don't serve your kind around here."
"Why not?"
"Because you're under 21."
__________________
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Godliness is next to impossible.
Therefore, cleanliness is next to impossible.
Somebody Tell A Joke
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