Look upon my Chicken Pot Pie, and despair.

[Sock Puppet]

I was haranguing liv in teh chatzes about digging up her father's time-honored chicken pot pie recipe. But I couldn't stand it any longer, and thus struck out on my own to find a good recipe. I also was anxious to try out my new slow cooker, which rawks.

What bugged me about all the recipes I found, however, was that none of them were quite cricket pie. They all told me to do various things that approximated making a pie: pour the mixture over biscuits, or cover with crescent-roll dough, or even upend a pie shell on top of the damned thing. I'm sure any of those would be fine, but what the hell is wrong with, y'know, making a fucking PIE?

So I took the guts of this recipe, and perverted it to my own nefarious purposes. I'll highlight my own modifications as I go along. Obviously this is still a fairly rudimentary recipe; liv's dad's formula, I'm sure, involves rosemary, sage, and perhaps a pinch of mandrake root ("... and if too much is given?" --"Madness and death!").

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Others, I give you ...

PUPPET POT PIE

Ingredients:
3 cups diced cooked chicken or turkey [basically, 3 to 4 large boneless/skinless breasts]
2 cans (14 1/2 ounce each) chicken broth [SockMod1: fuck cans, use the good stuff.]
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 stalk celery, thinly sliced [SockMod2: using the entire stalk would've been too much. I used about 4 sub-stalks, or about 2/3 a stalk]
1/2 cup chopped onion [SockMod3: 1/2 cup is about half a small onion. Live a little, use a little more, but not much more]
1 small bay leaf
3 cups cubed potatoes [I used red; I usually use russet but had a feeling red would be the best here. I have other charming superstitions.]
1 package frozen mixed vegetables (16 oz) [I must admit, I did in fact use frozen peas & carrots. In my defense, I'm lazy.]
1 cup milk
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon pepper [SockMod4: I knew this would be too much pepper for th'wife and kid, so I used 1/2 tsp here. It was still a little peppery for them. Srzly, if you use this much pepper you will definitely feel it. If I were doing it for myself I might have used the full measure, possibly cayenne instead of black.]
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 9-inch refrigerated pie crust [I used TWO store-bought, prefab crusts, per my deviation below. Don't retch yet; it gets worse below.]

Preparation:
Combine chicken, chicken broth, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon pepper, celery, onion, bay leaf, potatoes, and mixed vegetables [SockMod5: and a nice shake of minced garlic -- why the hell not?] in slow cooker. Cover and cook on low 7 to 9 hours or on high 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 hours [I used the high setting so I wouldn't have to wait until 9pm to eat]. Remove bay leaf.

Heat oven to 375°. In a small bowl, mix milk and flour. Gradually stir flour and water mixture into slow cooker. Stir in pepper, poultry seasoning [SockMod6: WTF? where was that in the ingredients list? Pretended this said "moar minced garlic, mule!"], and salt.

Here's what it said at the end:

Remove the liner from slow cooker base and carefully place 9-inch pie crust over the mixture. Place the crockery inside pre-heated oven and bake (uncovered) for about 15 to 20 minutes, or until browned. If your liner is not removable, put the mixture in a casserole dish, cover with the pie crust and bake as above.
Serves 8.

Okay, so I do have the removable liner; this slow cooker rawks, remember? But I didn't do that. For one thing, and I can't stress this enough -- I WANTED A REAL GODDAMNED PIE, not some upside-down approximation of one. I wanted crust on the bottom, crust on the top, crust, crust, CRUST.

However, at the same time, I'm not a pastry chef. I can bake cakes 'n' such, but I don't have much experience manipulating hand-made dough and whatnot. So I took an idea from another online recipe, which suggested using canned "crescent" rolls on top. Yes, you can retch now.

I got a package of two prefabbed, frozen, 9-inch pie crusts in their own foil thingies, and one can of Pillsbury "Crescent" rolls. Thawed the pieshells and poured the finished filling into them. Glad I got a pair, because there was more than enough for both of them. I had a small bowl's worth left over.

For those of you who had better sense than to ever have used these, the Crescent can contains a rolled-up, thin sheet of dough with perforations to separate triangle-shaped pieces from it. If you were actually making fake croissants, you'd roll up the triangles from the middle point. Instead, I just unrolled the sheet and used the handy perforations to layer pieces on top of the pies, and VOILA! A real pie, completely encased in crust. Two, in fact. Baked those suckers on 375 for only about 10 minutes.

The only drawback is that I will never be able to eat a frozen pot pie ever again. Oh, my freaking gawd, this stuff is good. Ecstasy, in pie form.

[ms_ann_thrope]

Did you photograph this wondrous culinary product?

[Sock Puppet]

'Fraid not. I suppose I could photograph what's left of Pie #2 (about 3/4 as of yesterday), depending upon how much defilement Mrs. Puppet makes of it today. However, I will make it again, probably after I learn some rudimentary crust-from-scratch-making.

[livius drusus]

My recipe wasn't traditional crust on bottom and top either, Sock, so good on you for making up your own.

[Sock Puppet]

'Scool, actually I was more interested in knowing what esoteric spicing went into the filling. There is plenty of room in the basic recipe I used for flavor-tweaking.

[lisarea]

I learned how to make a pot pie on that show Julia Child had with Jacques Pepin.

They were making some chicken stew thing or something, and there was extra left, so she said, "Oh, let's make a pot pie!" and then she just threw a bunch of stuff on the board, and made those trilling sounds like she did, and did some stuff with her hands, and then there was a crust, which she just built up freeform, then filled with chicken stuff and baked.

It was really easy. It took like 45 seconds or something.

To recap:
Throw things on your board
Troodle-loo!
Do special hand movements
Pie

[ceptimus]

liv might not like it - bacon is used!

YouTube - Nigella Lawson makes Chicken Pot pie...

[livius drusus]

[MonCapitan2002]

Hey. Bacon is good stuff.

[BrotherMan]

I don't know that I've had a chicken pot pie with bacon before. It's usually chicken, peas and potato. I don't normally pay attention to the innards of the pot pie anyway. I'm usually all omgpei! And it's gone. I could easily be hero of the house with a chicken pot pie recipe.

[Shelli]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

New shaker-smiley!!!

[Smilin]

Thanks for the recipe puppet!

[Zehava]

Originally Posted by Shelli

New shaker-smiley!!!

Yeah but the mouse-over text should be Shakin' bacon instead.

[livius drusus]

Originally Posted by livius drusus

My recipe wasn't traditional crust on bottom and top either, Sock, so good on you for making up your own.

Okay, I lied. I just checked the recipe instead of relying on my shaky martini-flavored memories of that night and not only is there traditional crust on bottom and on top, but there's dumplings inside. It's not my dad's recipe, for the record. It's my bf's dad's.

This is Mississippi authentic, so it's got piles of saturated fat and the crust is made in a cast iron skillet. It works for everything from dessert pies and cobblers to quiches.

If you have two skillets, you can make the crust and brown the chicken at the same time. If you have or want to use just one, brown the chicken first, set it aside, then bake the crust.

Universal Black Iron Skillet Pie Crust

2 cups unbleached white flour
2/3 cup butter (margarine, lard, vegetable shortening are acceptable subs, but no liquids)
Pinch of salt
1/2 cup ice water

1. Mix flour and salt in a bowl. Cut in butter with a table knife or rubber spatula until mix has the consistency of cornmeal. Trickle in ice water gradually, mixing with spatula until dough balls up. You probably won't need all of the water. Do not knead the dough.

2. Roll dough out on floured board, dusting both sides as needed to keep it from sticking to the board or the rolling pin. Roll out to desired thinness. (For a truly flaky rather than stout crust, usually 1/16" or less.) Roll out evenly in all directions, forming a rough circle. When the circle is 3" or 4" wider in diameter than is necessary to fill a 2"-deep, 10 1/4" cast iron skillet, it is about the right thickness.

3. Lift the crust and fit into the skillet then trim the edges with a knife. (The crust may tear as you lift it into the skillet. No problem. It tears because it is fragile, which means it will be truly crisp and delicate in texture. Make patches from the remnant dough, moisten the edges with ice water, and press the patches into place in the skillet.)

4. Press a dinner fork repeatedly around the edges of the crust to provide a decorative crenelation. The leftover dough will be used for stripping the top and as dumplings in the interior.

5. Since the chicken pot pie filling is cooked ahead of time and requires less baking time, brown the crust at 375 for 10 minutes before adding the filling.

(As a general rule, you don't want the crust to bake more than 40 to 50 minutes.)

Chicken Pot Pie

1 Universal Black Iron Skillet Pie Crust
2 1/2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts and thighs
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
Freshly ground pepper to taste
2 or 3 carrots
3 or 4 stalks of celery
2 or 3 tablespoons olive oil
6 cloves of garlic
1/4 cup unbleached white flour
1 cup white wine
1 teaspoon fresh rosemary
1/2 teaspoon dried dill
1 cup peas

If you use chicken breasts, it makes for a drier pie. I suggest you use a combination of breast and thigh meat. I've added mushrooms on occasion. Some people prefer to omit the dumplings, but they rule so don't.

1. Prepare the pie crust, reserving the trimmings of the dough for dumplings and top crust. Again, do the chicken first if you're only using one skillet.

2. Dice chicken into bite-size morsels, then sprinkle with salt and pepper, making sure to coat evenly on all sides.

3. Clean and dice carrots and celery.

4. Heat oil in skillet till just before smoking, then add chicken pieces. Brown lightly, turning with spatula. When pieces are brown, reduce heat to medium-low.

5. Crush garlic and add to skillet. Sprinkle flour over the garlic and chicken pieces and stir into mix with spatula, forming a roux.

6. As flour begins to brown, deglaze with wine, stirring constantly with spatula to keep lumps from forming. Add water to desire thinness while continuing to stir.

7. Turn heat to low and add carrots, celery and spices, simmering for 10 to 15 minutes.

8. Preheat oven to 375.

9. Stir in peas, then ladle stew into the pie crust, adding dough strips as desired for dumplings. When we made it we laid the strips in a sort of random lattice, but you could use far fewer and just place one or two at random points between ladlings. Just be sure to leave enough strips to cover the pie completely.

10. Top with thin strips of dough, completely covering the filling.

11. Place in oven and bake for about 45 minutes. Pie is ready when top crust is lightly browned.

[Leesifer]

OK! That sounds tasty. The last time I actually made pastry was in school in Home Economics lessons.

That recipe makes it sound so easy that I'm going to have to give it another go and inflict the results on my fambly.

[livius drusus]

Originally Posted by Leesifer

OK! That sounds tasty. The last time I actually made pastry was in school in Home Economics lessons.

That recipe makes it sound so easy that I'm going to have to give it another go and inflict the results on my fambly.

Outstanding. You have to use the cast iron skillet, though. Accept no substitutes.

[Leesifer]

Srsly? I don't have a cast iron skillet. No substitutes at all?

[livius drusus]

See, I suspected you didn't have cast iron because of your unfortunate being British disability. I suppose technically you could use any oven-safe skillet, but nothing makes an evenly browned, intact crust like cast iron.

The problem is you can't use non-stick products in the oven, and stainless usually has hot spots and sticky areas. In the case of pie, you really need it to cook evenly and slide out of the pan easily or else you end up having to scoop stuff out like it's a casserole.

[Sock Puppet]

What about a glass Pyrex pie plate? It wouldn't need to be lifted out at the end, just sliced and spatula'd out.

[livius drusus]

I suppose. They don't have the high sides, though, so the dumpling layers might be right out. Also, no way pyrex browns a crust like cast iron.

[livius drusus]

Do you have any enamel lined pans, like Le Creuset? Those are cast iron inside.

[Leesifer]

I've got ceramic ovenware - one of which is called a "pie dish" and has scalloped edges. Would that do, do you think?

[Sock Puppet]

I'm pretty sure you have to use the cast iron skillet, or burn forever in hellfire.

[Leesifer]

Well, if I have to go out and buy a cast iron skillet you all better give me some more recipes to use it with.

I used to have a cast iron wok and that was such a bugger to clean and keep oiled that I threw it away and bought a non-stick one.

[livius drusus]

Originally Posted by Leesifer

I've got ceramic ovenware - one of which is called a "pie dish" and has scalloped edges. Would that do, do you think?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! Use a stainless or copper pan to brown the chicken. Again, the pie dish isn't as high-sided as a skillet, so keep that in mind when you're adding strips for dumplings. The first time out you might just want to avoid the dumplings altogether and just use the strips to cover the top.

Also, you're definitely going to hell.