The 1001 Funniest Jokes for English-speaking Germans

[chunksmediocrites]

Two shameful rustic layabouts, Ludwig and Herman, were sitting unproductively upon a porch in the rural areas beyond Delmenhorst, contemplating nearly nothing.

Finally, Herman broke the silence. "Ludwig, have you ever played the time-wasting game twenty questions?"

Ludwig replied, "No, please speak on the subject."

"As I recall," said Herman, "one person thinks up the name of a thing, and then writes it on a scrap of paper. Then the other person has twenty tries to ask yes or no questions, to attempt to determine the identity of that thing."

"Well, let's play it!" cried Ludwig.

So Herman thought for a minute, then found the stub of a pencil and wrote on a piece of paper, "donkey dick". He folded the paper in half and put it in his pocket. "Okay, Ludwig, you may begin to question me."

"Well, can you eat it?" asked Ludwig?

Herman thought for a moment, and replied, "Yes, I guess you could."

"Is it donkey dick?"

Herman admitted that indeed it was, and the two lapsed back into silence.

[lisarea]

110. Please note that this joke takes the form of a dialog. Utterances will be preceded by the names of the parties involved in this discussion, although the names are not represented as having been spoken aloud in the following exchange.

Thorstein: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Emil: Excuse me? I am not familiar with this chicken.
Thorstein: I am not speaking of a specific chicken. This is a joke.
Emil: How can you ask me this question? If there is no specific chicken, are you proposing that a general instance of chicken could somehow perform such a concrete act as crossing a road?
Thorstein: In this instance, we imagine a specific manifestation of a chicken, rather than an abstract concept of chickenhood.
Emil: Oh. I see. You are telling me a lie.

[Gonzo]

Interestingly or something, some english guy released a study that discerned that Germans were in fact the least funneh people in the world and Americans are teh most funneh people in the world. I wonder what this all means for English-speaking German joke telling...

[curses]

That it's like dividing by zero and this forum is about to go *voomp*

[BrotherMan]

Voomp! There it is! Voomp there it is!

[mulebear]

111. "Uta, why do you let these individuals converse in such a way? Do you not possess control over your own thread of comicality?", asked Brenunda with mild derision.
Uta replied, "It is society. To suppress those who show non-compliance would be regressive."
"Ah," opined Brenunda, "That is of a humorous nature. I shall laugh later at their non-compliance."

[Hermit]

Originally Posted by Gonzo

Interestingly or something, some english guy released a study that discerned that Germans were in fact the least funneh people in the world and Americans are teh most funneh people in the world. I wonder what this all means for English-speaking German joke telling...

Bunch of cretins! Our sense of humour is just too sophisticated for the unwashed masses.

[Gonzo]

Are you German?

[Hermit]

Originally Posted by Gonzo

Are you German?

"Our sense of humour..." Connecting the dots...

Mind you, our family migrated to Australia before I turned 16, and I am 58 years old - yes, old - now.

[Gonzo]

This is all very exciting. This whole thread is a monument built for this day!

[Hermit]

Originally Posted by Gonzo

a monument built for this day

to be forgotten tomorrow.

112. Roswita (17), the housemaid, said to Stefan (4): If you don't eat your porridge I'll give you a beating. Stefan swallowed a spoonful in an attempt to avoid punishment and promptly vomited it back into the bowl. Roswita gave him a walloping on his bottom with a shuttlecock racket. When she finished with the discipline, dressed in nothing but a white singlet decorated with a track mark left by spewed porridge, he made his way out into the garden and plonked himself down on the lawn among the Gänseblümchen, plucked one of their flowers and talked to it in a consoling, compassionate way. Some years later he saw the funny aspect of his reaction.

[Gonzo]

113
Lameass only genuinely knew one language, and there was nothing humorous about it, because others were always using it to make fun of his bad posture. When he tried standing up straight, like everyone else, it was agreed by all that he was perfectly good slouch in the first place. Lameass decided it would be best he learned a new language, one that no one else could speak.

114
Faith had a great capacity for hope, but she was also morbidly obese and literally full of herself.

115
Tetherbum would always encourage Featherbottom to do naughty things with him. When they were both caught, Tetherbum was very angry with Featherbottom.

[lisarea]

116. In an ultimately ineffective attempt to further postpone several more physically and intellectually challenging tasks, a dull and unimaginitive American we will refer to as "Olga" resurrected a long-fallow internet thread of little significance.

117. Suddenly finding himself awake in the middle of the night, Theodore was consumed with the sense of nonspecific dread that so often visits the sleepless at those hours. He took this opportunity to update the passwords on his computer, but this security measure provided him little comfort.

[SR71]

118. Every evening Behrend would light a candle on the mantle, and then extinguish it before retiring. One night he forgot to blow out the candle. In the morning, the candle was burned all the way down to a tiny remnant. Behrend looked at the candle and then ate some breakfast.

[SR71]

119. This one is real. A Bavarian once told me that when asked how things are going, it was a local saying that "This morning I got up, and I took a big shit. Then my wife woke up, and she took a big shit too". He seemed to think it was pretty darned hilarious.

[lisarea]

120. A television commercial showed a couple participating in a popular retailer's "Cyber Monday" sales by rapidly typing on their computer keyboard, presumably to navigate the retailer's website. The site, however, was incompatible with the Lynx browser, and did not appear to comply with common accessibility measures that would allow a user to navigate their website in such a manner. Heinrich checked.

[mulebear]

121. Maximilian had an itchy anus. He scratched it through his Stephan Gorner pants, but stopped when he realized his client, Maria, on the other side of the counter, had mistaken the exquisite sensation he was feeling as delight in his employment.

[Gonzo]

‎"A wealthy but childless merchant wishes he had a child, even a hedgehog, and comes home to find that his wife has given birth to a baby boy that is a hedgehog from the waist up."
- Hans My Hedgehog

[Gonzo]

[Crumb]

...asks his father to have the cock shod so he can ride off to seek his fortune.

[Demimonde]

Jim Henson did an awesome version of that tale.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wSMxltXkW0

It's also on Netflix in higher quality.

[Janet]

I went to a fairy tale exhibit at the Edsel and Eleanor Ford house last month. They had local artists depict several fairy tales. There was a quilt of Hans on his rooster that I would have liked to buy but I forgot to ask about prices when we went to the gift shop.

[Clutch Munny]

122. Erich purchased lekkerbrot from the bakery his mother patronized, and not the one his wife preferred. When his wife asked him why, he thought quickly and said, "Lies are the leaven in our life."

[Angakuk]

123. A certin writer (he shall remain nameless) for an english language online German newspaper wrote this technically humorous article about the very humorous things that Germans sometimes say in english.

[lisarea]

124. Gert, despite being a native speaker of American English, was unaware that "Do you have fire?" was not common in her language.

125. Further, annoyed with the absolute statement in Slide Number Seven of the presentation, she resolved to discover a sexual innuendo arising from the please/you're welcome confusion.